Brock and Ella spent the weekend back in NC. He had agreed to do a wedding some time ago, so he and Ella headed that way for a whirlwind of a trip. I talked to him several times throughout the trip and the general consensus was that it was very strange. We've been gone long enough to have started a groove of life here . . . but at the same time, we haven't been gone long enough for everything around them to not seem so familiar. When I got off the phone one night a terrible sadness came over me. I started to think about the people and the places that were apart of our story for eight years. People that we love, dearly. Places that were 'our' places. With the chaos of our move finally slowing down, I find myself somewhat grieving over the life we left behind. I think because we technically 'moved back home,' everyone just assumes that we are thrilled. Not so much the case. We had incredible friends in NC. People who were just as close as family. People who we did life with for a long time. People who became staples in our days and weeks. Now granted, there were a few {gosh, I'd love to mention names here} that I was happy to say goodbye to - maybe that was a little harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts, but for the most part, we left a group of people in southern NC that will always feel like home to us. Our life there was basically the only married life we knew and it was the only life our children knew. Our life with them, at this moment, seems way more familiar and normal than our life here. Our old home still feels like home. I can still remember the sound the back door made when it was opened. I can hear my kids outside playing with the neighbors. I miss waving to my neighbors when they pulled in their driveways. I can still remember how to drive to our friend's houses. I can still smell the church. This doesn't at all mean we aren't grateful and excited to be where we are, it's just the way things seem {feel} right now. And the hardest part of all, is that life goes on. While I'm typing these words of grief over our past, they are all moving right toward the future and you begin to wonder how much you even mattered. I'm not trying to throw myself one big pity party or saying that I'm not totally & completely certain that we are exactly where we are suppose to be, I just think that in the midst of trying to make sure that life stayed as 'normal' as possible for my kids, I neglected to deal with my own feelings about the move and the change. It is day to day trying and learning how to make the unfamiliar familiar. Turning strangers into friends. Remembering and cherishing the life left while reveling in the excitement that is a new journey for us. It is a hard balance to remember the past while looking to the incredible things to come. It is, at least for this moment . . . very bittersweet.
