I revisited my MySpace page recently {to finally shut it down- I'm mean really, who uses MySpace anymore??!} I read over my old journal entry to keep the ones I wanted & came across this one. I wrote this when my girls were about 10 months old - It still comforts me & reassures me . . . and it makes me laugh. {I promise I'm not as crazy these days- ha! I think I'm starting to get this motherhood thing down quite well . . . ;) }
Here's the original entry from MySpace:
I found this old journal entry from a few years ago. Neat to look back on your own thoughts. (Funny that I use Paul, considering I'm not a big Paul fan these days!)
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2 Corinthians5 - If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you 14For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.
One of the hardest struggles I've had since my daughters were born, actually since the beginning of my pregnancy, has been my ability to spend time in the Word and in prayer.
I remember hearing other women talk about how much pregnancy and motherhood changes not only their lives as a whole, but it especially takes a tremendous toll on the mental state of a woman. Before my pregnancy, I was in the middle of writing my first bible study for young women. Brock, myself and several of our youth were leading monthly Sunday night services. I was able to advise the youth by reciting scripture to encourage them. And most importantly, I was able to be the wife that my husband needs--- physically, mentally and spiritually.
While it has been extremely important for Brock and myself to maintain a sense of normal in our home, one thing about parenthood that has completely blindsided us has been the unstable state of my mentality and the fact the he was totally unprepared to handle it. Don't get me wrong, he has be more patient and loving then most men would be, but I know it takes its toll on him. My feelings of being inadequate have made some moments in our home unbearable. Since our pregnancy was unplanned, I was no where near being mentally ready to handle the changes that parenthood brings. I have lost the mind of my old self and replaced it with a mind that is consumed with feeding schedules, diaper changes and laundry piles. I have been overwhelmed at the roles that I now play the lead in. In a moment of sanity the other day, I recalled a comment I heard a speaker say several years ago. While I was not a mother at the time, his words have brought about freedom in my life this week and ultimately has changed the way I look at my roles as a wife, mother and minister. While speaking to our church back home, he told the mothers in the audience to, " look for God in the diaper." After his comment, many in the congregation laughed, but I now know that many mothers in that audience probably felt a sense of relief and encouragement in that moment.
See, as a mother I pray consistently for my girls and their days with me, but I rarely find the time to have long, intimate talks with my Father. Some days I can catch up on some reading, just before a baby wakes, but some days I can't. I can, on a good day, fit in a phone conversation to encourage a friend, but most days I have to let the voicemail get it.
The freedom that I have found in Neil's comment is that I can't always be the minister to others that I want to be, but I can be the exact mother & wife that I am suppose to be. So now, I see God in the diaper. I see God in the bottle. I see God in the bath tub. I see God in chubby little hands. I see God in little feet. I see God in a toothless smile and hear Him in a magical giggle. I see God in big blue eyes, and I see God in the refection in those eyes.
In 2 Corinthians, chapter 5 , Paul writes , that if we are out of our minds, it is for the sake of Christ and later goes on to say, that we no longer live for ourselves. While I know that Paul's words were not intended to be used as encouragement for motherhood, I could not help but feel the peace of the holy spirit while reading these verses. What a sober thought. During the day, when I am at my wits ends with caring for my two busy bodies, it is for the sake of Christ. I have four little curious eyes watching my every move, hearing my every word, and reflecting my every action. If I am out of my mind, it is because I am concerned with Sophie and Ella's well being and nurturing them into the girls and women they are meant to be. As a priest, my "flock" , are two chubby ten month olds and I am to do everything in my power to tend, protect, and unconditionally love them. In our home, the old has definitely gone, and while that means giving up sacred long naps, the new is well worth the sacrifice.
